In the beginning, there were issues. In the beginning, it was all about opinion. In the beginning, things were different.
When I started this blog around 3 years ago, my intention was to blog about various issues, pop culture events, politics, and the other things that happen in the world. The one thing that I had no intention to write about was me, or my life. However, the events of the last 3 years have changed my perspective, my vantage point if you will.
This year, 2013, has been an especially transformative year for me. In the waning days of 2012, the most emotionally crippling event of my life occurred I lost my mother to a long struggle with vascular disease. The relationship I had with my mom certainly wasn't a standard one to be sure. Like many, our dynamic was formed over decades of trials and tribulations. We had to adapt to the circumstances of our lives, and that meant we were going to have to transcend the simple wonder of a mother/son relationship. We had to have each other's back. We had to be able to know that the other was there. We argued viciously. We laughed from our bellies. We shared passions for what we thought should be right in the world, and what was crippling us as a society. It was all too often apparent to me, that I gained my obstinate sense of right and wrong from her. She gave me my sense of social justice & how important it is to appeal to the better angels of our nature. My mother was far from perfect. She was thrice divorced. She had incredible successes, and inconsolable failures. She wasn't the perfect sister, daughter, friend, or parent. It was from those personal failings, however, that she taught me the most important life lessons. It's within those lessons that I have come out of the vacuous abyss of grief.
In the days following her passing, all of the traditional tasks began. We were planning the wake and funeral. Consoling those that were supposed to be consoling us. We were pushing on. Trudging forward in life through what seemed like an impassable trench. It was somewhere during these inane tasks, that it struck me like a lightning bolt from a clear blue sky. Unexpected and sudden, I realized that the lessons of her life had prepared me for her death. In that moment of clarity, the gates opened, and I would never be the same.
I mourn the passing of my mother with intense grief and sadness However my mourning isn't one of black veils & sullen eyes. In the mourning of my mother, I found access to all the things she taught me. The things I didn't realize during her life, but in the months since her death, have become the guiding beacons of my life.
2013... What a year so far.
Over the last few months, I found myself discarding the various pieces of my life that were either unnecessary or unwanted. I'm reminded of an old quote about sculpting.
"Sculpting is the art of knowing what to get rid of."
I've noticed that this applies across the board of life. When I first heard that quote, I found it metaphorically profound, but really didn't get the profundity of it. When the sculptor approaches the block of rock or the huge marble chunk, they have to see what needs to go. Where to apply the chisel, where to smooth an edge. In life, this couldn't be more true. There are pieces of life that can be formed and sanded down to a smooth finish. On the other hand, there are pieces that need to be chiseled off, tossed to the scrap pile, and used for bathroom tile.
This may all sound harsh. Perhaps it is.
These plausibly harsh methods have had some amazing results.
Some of the fundamental things that changed within me following my mom's death, have allowed for a much more fulfilled sense of me.
I've gotten rid of aberrant liars. Not because of the lies, but because of the disrespect.
I've finally smoothed down the rough edges of my heart and learned that I can be happy. I learned that I can still love & be loved. It comes with risk, but that risk is well worth the reward. Whether the happiness is long lived or burns like the sun for only a short time.
I've been reminded of the simple truth:
"With a small group of dedicated friends, you can survive anything."
I've regained the pilot's seat of my life.
I embrace the lessons of my mother.
